This is me prior to May 2019. I looked just like every other woman trying to fit the mold of what society and my relationships deemed acceptable.
I sat for this photo knowing my hair was the longest it had been in 20+ years, that others would love to have it, and I received compliments every time I styled it. It gave me a sense of comfort and safety, like every strand was a part of a cozy blanket I had access to at any moment.
That "cozy blanket" gave me a shield to hide my facial expressions when I could not "stoneface" my way through a tough moment, which I've been known to do in my younger days. Knowing I was newly single and would eventually be dating again, I knew I had the whole 'long, blonde hair' thing going on and knew it was mostly looked as a positive in the dating world.
Here is what I also knew as I sat for this photo...
Having beautiful, long, blonde hair doesn't stop your partner from going outside of the relationship agreement many times over.
My beautiful safety blanket didn't stop me from becoming a widow at the age of 35. I hated spending so much time and energy on my hair. From coloring to styling... it is SOOO much effort and energy, as I was blessed with a lions mane ;-). This blanket that had kept me safe was no longer serving me. Every strand held those painful memories, those deep human thoughts of not being enough, weaved tightly within, peaking out at any given opportunity.
My transition back in to the single world was immanent but I did not want to bring that pain with me, as much as possible.
I made a decision. I WAS GOING TO CUT MY HAIR OFF... It needed to go... but how much of it? Was this a 'shave my head' type of situation? A 'cut off the damaged part' situation? Or something in between?
Do I just go and rush to the nearest salon and let them decide so I don't lose my courage??? Ummmm, NOOO!! Let's be thoughtful about this...
The first question I'm going to ask myself is -
Am I in a time in my life where making a major decision is healthy?
The next questions would determine how short I am able cut my hair. Keep in mind I have had a very short a-line haircut several times in the last 20 years. I'm talking about taking the clippers to my head, which I have never done...
If a person should publicly assume I am a lesbian or bisexual, am I okay with it, whether it's true or not?
What if the sex I am attracted to doesn't want me because I don't have long hair?
What if I lose current humans I'm attracted to?
Do I want my hair to be a 'deal breaker' like it was in my previous relationship?
Am I truly happy with my long hair or am I holding on to it out of fear of not being accepted?
Answering all of those questions stirs up my insides in a fantastic, exciting way! Was I able to go through this process in a day or two and hop on the short hair train?? Nah... I knew that if any of those questions created turmoil within my body, I needed to spend time with it until the turmoil was no longer there. My intentional process paid off in about a months time and I was able to make the leap!!
You only get this body once... play... have fun... hair is just hair! Turns out it grows back!!! ;-) Sometimes we have to shed what feels like the old us in order to move forward and thrive... #growth.
Much love to ALL of you!